Delusional
by Lidsworth
Summary: Sudoh is delusional. Unfortunately, it took him all of his life to figure this out.
1. Chapter 1

Sudoh is delusional. It's a shame that it took the last seconds of his life to come to that startling revelation.

A/N: If you don't like Sudoh, then you certainly won't like this story, as it gives him a tiny, ounce of justice.

Spoiler alert ( I think): If you don't already know, Takaba get's rescued by Kuroda (predictably), and Sudoh get's shot. Sigh, this Takaba/Damsel in distress personality kills me, I read the manga because he wasn't the damsel in distess, but that's all it seems like he is. Oh well.

Anyway, it' sbased off of a song I just listened to in art class called "Smile Like You Mean It" (Yeah, I know i'm late), but I hope you enjoy.

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Suddenly the red blood around his body seems cooler than normal blood is suppose to feel. Suddenly the ragged breath crawling in and out of his lungs feels hot, and sharper than shatter glass as it forces itself out of his soft organs.

Suddenly, the memories which he'd forgotten eons ago resurface themselves in his last, dying seconds.

And suddenly, Sudoh Shuu is completely aware that he's dying, that the wads of money that rest in his pocket, that are slowly being soaked with blood mean nothing anymore, and that the expensive, rare Armani suit won't do him much good in hell. Will it? His thoughts, his grudges, and his memories won't save him now? Will they? They'll only keep him down.

The illusion of staying by Asami's side forever and ever as his lover seemed incredibly stupid now, it seemed delusional. Sudoh finds himself thinking, as his blood get's caught in his throat, as he chokes on his own blood, "Was that me thinking that? Did I really put Akihito through a living hell just to...just to." And suddenly he feels guilt, and it hurts. The guilt is like a rock lodge in his gut, like a hammer being beat into his slowing heart. He supposes that it's so painful because he hasn't felt "guilty" in an incredibly, long time.

And he finds himself not feeling guilty for Akihito, who is paralyzed with fright before him now, and whose anxiously awaiting the arrival of Asami. He knows Akihito will be comforted, will be consoled and taken care of. He's Asami's jewel, he's what Sudoh _wanted _to be. But freedom? He supposes Akihito can kiss that away.

But revisiting the guilt, Sudoh figures he feels terrible for himself, because he lost himself along the path so, _so _long ago. Because he lost people on the way, important people, so long ago. Because he'll never get the chance to apologize, because the last thing he said to them might as well have been , "Hey, I'm rich now. I don't have time for you non-rich people, see you!"  
He thinks of Mayu, and how she was so stupid, and so ignorant for follow him. He wonders if she knew what her fate would lead to, if she knew that in the end, she would only descend with Sudoh. They were both delusion-

Asami is in the building now, he's consoling Takaba who shudders sudden, and collapses into Asami's grasps. He lets out a cry.

Sudoh is most certainly sure that the display before him will be one of the last things he'll ever see, and that actually scares him.

So he begins to scrape his mind for happier, more fonder memories. And is surprised when he actually stumbles upon them, but the fear creeps up within him once again. He doesn't want to regret anything, he doesn't want to be depressed because he's missed what he could have had, he doesn't want to see what he'll be missing, he doesn't want to see the friends he disregarded.

He don't want to see the "he" he disregarded, but it's less painful than seeing Asami and Akihito passionately kiss before him.

So bits and pieces he allows to flutter into his mind, because if he sees the memory in his entirety, then he will regret everything up until this very moment.

He sees girls that are broken and lost, and sees his own very broken, very sad figure standing before him.

_Be the change you wish to see..._Who was it who said that quote? Why was it so important to him again?

He sees a pretty boy covered in dirt. He sees a pretty boy who is prettier than the prostitutes around him. He sees a dirty boy he becomes a pretty model, who opens his arms to those broken girls he always sees in the streets, who makes them pretty, prettier than him. He makes friends. Some of them become models, some of them he puts in school, and some of them go into business and so on. He goes to many graduations, he goes to a ton of baby showers. He goes to some funerals of those girls who didn't make it, and he's happy because they no longer feel pain.

He sees himself happy, he sees the girls around him happy.

And for a short time, he is happy.

Then money comes showering down upon him like cold hail, the fame comes like a tsunami, it knocks him off of his feat.

"Eat this, all the models do!" Except it's not food, it was never food, was it? It takes him on adventures, it fucks up his brain, and he craves it, he craves it like he craved food.

"Look at you! You're getting too fat!" Words so simple shatter his psyche like rocks to fiber glass. So the toilette becomes his own personal doggy bowl. He finds himself emptying his stomach acids into the toilette, he feels as if his the throat is raw, and as if there's a hole in his stomach.

He eats to get skinny, and the vomits more than he cries, and he cries a lot.

He has nothing to live for anymore, the girls are happy, and he is skin and bones. He scoffs when he sees his picture in the magazine, he hates himself for participating in pornography, he hates himself for being a model. Every thing is wrong with him. He's too short, he's too skinny and lengthy, his hair isn't the right color, and he feels like shit.

On a ledge, above the highway, he stands. He'll fall, he'll splatter on the concrete like a piece of art, than he'll be "perfect", won't he. He closes his eyes, says goodbye, and kicks off.

And he waits to fall, waits for the split second of agonizing pain to rattle throughout his bones, but then an arm grabs him, and seconds later, he's staring into golden eyes with a cigarette lodged between their teeth.

"Is it really that bad?" Asks the older looking, gorgeous man, who he later comes to know as Asami, his own personal savior. He does for Sudoh what Sudoh did for the girls. Sudoh wants to thank Asami, he _lives_ to thank Asami. But Asami is selfless, and wants nothing more from him, save for his cooperation. But Sudoh wants to give more, he lives to give more.

At that moment, when Asami pulls him off of the ledge, and back onto the bridge, he realizes that he's just fallen, that he would've been better off dead. Asami will never notice him. As long as he follows his rules, he will _never _be noticed. So is he one of Asami's important people? Or is he just an invisible worker?

Deciding that the latter was the correct answer, Sudoh becomes noticeable.

The rest is history, and Sudoh's breath is barely there. There are white splotches appearing in his field of vision, and everyonce in a while, he thinks he spots an angel or a dead relative. He sees some of the girls that he was too late to save, sees them adorned in white, awaiting his arrival.

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**I hope you enjoyed it, have a wonderful week, and God bless. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n: Thank you for the comments! We'll just say that Sudoh lived. **

He wants a piece of steamy chocolate, or a fattening hamburger, or something solid and "against" the rules for someone of his stature. This murky, medicated food they've been feeding him offends his taste buds so much, that he honestly believes it should be considered an illegal substance.

Honestly, he doesn't mind gaining a few extra pounds, not at all. He's sure he looks god awful, he feels like it. His hair has thinned a lot, he's paler then usual, and as skinny as a twig.

Occasionally, a nurse or two will walk into his room, and change his cold IV, check his temperature, or assist him in anyway they're allowed to.

"Can I have something "real" to eat?" He'll ask silently, and when the nurse tilts her head, because even with her "nursing" degree, she can't seem to figure out what exactly normal food is, he tries again.

"Like...a hamburger?"  
"Oh!" She says happily, and finally she gets it, yet she doesn't fully understand, "You're not allowed to be on solid foods yet."  
And she leaves his cold, dark hospital room. She leaves him with the beeping machines, with the white walls closing in on him, and with the loneliness seeping deep within his bones, irritating them like radium fragments.

He wants to jump out of the window this time, because he thinks to himself _Maybe Asami will come back...maybe he'll save me. _

Contradicting thoughts collide with the painful truth.

Asami has forgotten about him, he's thrown away the key.

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Sometimes he sees Asami in his dreams. He sees him behind him, grabbing his arm and yanking him off of the concrete bridge just seconds before he jumps. He sees Asami saving him, yet murdering him at the same time...He wonders what his worth to Asami was, If he truly ever meant anything to him.

And then suddenly, he sees _him. _That blue eyed, blond haired photographer.

Suddenly, all three of them are on the bridge, yet when Sudoh looks down, he expects to see speeding cars and dark assault below him. He expects to fall onto the pavement, and become art.

But instead, reality is replaced with a dark void of nothingness. Yet he still stands on the ledge, he still pushes off. Asami makes to save him, but that terrible, annoying shrill from the photographer garners the older man's attention.

"Asami, you bastard! Do I even mean anything to you! Why the hell are you saving him? I thought you loved me!"

And then Sudoh's hand slips out of Asami's grasp like water. And he falls and falls into the darkness. Behind him, Asami takes Takaba's lips in his own. His large hand snakes under the younger man's clothing, unbuckles his belt, grips his hair and Sudoh is suspended in the air, perfectly able to see the nightmare before him.

Those nights, he wakes up screaming himself hoarse. The darkness consumes him still, and he attacks it like a wild animal. He claws at it with his finger nails, he punches at it and grabs at it.

Then suddenly it has silky hair, and soft squishy skin, and clothing and breasts, and he wakes up abruptly, realizing that he's no longer attacking the darkness, rather the nurses.

Of course he's still screaming, yet through his screeches, he apologizes more then he ever has. The screams turn into agonizing sobs. Hurting people is not in his nature.

The following days are full of specters coming into his room. He sees Asami more then enough. The golden eyed man commands his attention and demands an explanation, yet he receives none.

As far as Sudoh is concerned, he's not the real Asami. He never even knew who Asami was anyway.

Akihito visits too, and Sudoh screams the second the photographer steps over the threshold. Takaba looks shocked, and almost offended. Yet he still comes every single day. He comes to apologize.

And through Sudoh's screams, he realizes that the younger man has grown slightly gaunt, that the area around his eyes are tinged with an angry pink.

The photographer is the darkness. He sucks out life from the living, including himself, he creates the void. His presence lodges itself into Sudoh's bones, it cracks their foundation and shatters them into dust.

Takaba Akihito is radium.

Kuroda visits occasionally, only to interview him, and speak to him regarding his crimes. Though he says once, "You're already dead, aren't you," when bringing up possible punishments for his case.

_When was I alive?_ Sudoh thinks to himself, and the look on his face suggest that he's thoughts weren't exactly thoughts, that somehow, Kuroda managed to hear exactly what he said.

The expression conveyed between both Sudoh and Kuroda mirror one another, just slightly. And then Sudoh knows the the detective understands.

Who is alive when they're under Asami's thumb?

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Later, they transport him to a psychiatric hospital. He's been seeing images too frequently, he's been experiencing things that aren't there.

They put him away. They forget about him, and throw away his key. And for the first time in ages, he yearns to be forgotten, to be erased.

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**Blame Tokyo Ghoul for the chapters depressing tone. All of my faves are just dying...anyway, I've been paying attention to others thoughts about Sudoh, and they feel bad for him, and so do I. That's a good thing, I guess. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it! Have a wonderful week, and God bless.**


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